smiling on the outside

i suppose to look at me you would see a mostly healthy woman

i suppose when you see any woman who looks mostly healthy you may not consider what lies beneath the smile she is conveying to you on the outside.

i suppose most don’t consider that the woman smiling at you is in extreme pain and feels as though her arms and legs are filled with cement and each step and gesture takes great mental strength to accomplish.

it’s not everyone’s business to know everyone’s business and most people want you to know little. but to know someone’s business and to not respect the decisions made by that person and to taunt them or make them feel guilty is hurtful

i push myself too far, beyond my limits constantly. but today i choose to not overflow what little i have left to give in this day. i am tearful and fearful that when i rise from this chair i may not make it far enough to the next sit spot.

if i say that i can’t or won’t do something consider it to be true because i rarely allow myself the luxury to decide what the limit will be so that i don’t displease you. fuck me and what my needs or wants are. to let you down is going to add to my already full bucket of guilt so be respectful of me, friend, if i say no its for a good damn reason and your heckling is only going to further hurt the outcome.

i suppose when people look at me they see a strong healthy woman who is joking and laughing and smiling…i am these things…on the outside


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