freak out 2011 2/23/11

for those of you who KNOW me, i have finger nails. i do not bite them, i groom them, they are long and they break.

this is a big deal, because i am a chewer! i’ve even stopped eating the skin on the sides of the skin…as much as before.

 

im broke and debt is surrounding me like the dead bodies in my now favorite Kay Scarpetta novels.

i make meals each week that my boyfriend either requests or i just decide to make. this is not necessarily bad, its just not what i’m used to.

 

i keep seeing and knowing about the tampering of our food products but all i can afford are the food stuffs of those corporations. it angers and un nerves me.

 

i used to be a person of conscience, someone who thought more of what went into my body. i got rid of my television, i chose “natural” toothpaste and hair washings. i do not know what is real or wrong for me and does it really matter?

 

after all the education and mind control of whats corrupt i cant consciously eat and drink things without wondering where it really came from and if it is morally sound. i can’t live this way. and i gave it up in 1999. from there i allowed myself some mainstream and ever since have gone with the attitude of does it really fucking matter. 

 

i lost my mom to cancer in 2000. she smoked like a chimney, big tobacco making its presence loud and clear in my family with my mother and her 3 siblings death related to its effects. are you aware that the tobacco companies put licorice in cigarettes to stimulate the salavitory  glands to want more? thank you mom for making me want a college education to learn this.

 

the world is in turmoil. Libya and the middle east is uprising against their oppressive leaders, baby dolphins are dying in the gulf probably because of our addiction and misuse of oil and i cannot see when my own country will ever be what i want it to be.

 

i cannot soundly turn to jesus or god because i took an art history class at the U of U and since then I see religion as a way to control the masses…for those of you who find comfort daily in this, i love you.

 

i watched 127 hours last night. it was so very intense, besides the hacking your arm off aspect of it all. couild you imagine being there, contemplating whether you’ve done it right? well there are SO many things i would change, but i cant…i wouldnt be here NOW. as awful as it seems. im exactly where i’m supposed to be.

 

with love always

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