and i know you know it too

When i was a youngster I had prejudices. They were given to me by the adults I encountered in my upbringing.

One of those prejudices was about sexuality, the other about color of skin and nationality

Which for me was such a mixed bag of what might be wrong or right depending on the year or who my mother was hanging out with at the time.

I spent a bit of time at some parties and saw some different types of love…these types of love included but were not limited to:

1. Affection being expressed freely amongst different sexxxes…lots of skin and sultry looks. My mom worked for an insurance company and they had a “pseudo_stars” physicality type of competition…it felt like a fraternity run business weekend…which was held at a man’s house who turned into a type of father figure…or at least the person who has the responsibility for steak and tater grillin tendacies. I learned about football around this household as well….and my fear of FEAR,,,dark hallways…spiders..girls who bite ypu for changing the record

The description above seems like the appropriate way to express love and keep a harmonious humanity, right? Except sometimes the amount of skin and sultry looks should be kept in appropriate places or at least put the kids in a room full of sweets, soda and chips with warnings to get back into the room after witnessing the fun colored lights draped by scarves and plumes of smoke…and my mom looking so beautiful in her lace paisley dress iridescent eye shadow and dark tanned blondness!

2. I am from San Diego. I grew up in Mira Mesa where there were a lot of Filipinos and being around grown ups and class members I found myself prejudice of these people. I got beat up and a broken nose interacting with Filipino gang member girls. Once I started to go to high school in Santee I learned of new enemies…white girls, more latino chicas and my own stupidity of decisions. i traded the surfy skatey west surf side mall kids to a mix of the famiiar of those intertangled in eastern county lifestyle…3 wheeelersss and some rodeo, maybe a bit more country and definitely a lot of attitude

2.5 this is a two parter.

i have listened to people bad mouth and belittle Latinos all of my life. I remember saying “beaner” as though it were nothing, hell, I may have recently used that description within the last year…. used it as a resemblance to my upbringing as I was describing who I am, where I come from…I think I laughed when i said it but I have many relations with my mariposas.

i remember when I met Duane. he was a cool like minded guy who was hangin out at Cafe Shambala in downtown SD who I started to see there regularily as I was becoming a regular with my high school buddy Niki. We had our TJ habits as well, clubbing in mejico and he was there. My  mom caught wind of this.  I remember her not feeling too great about it, she met him once…I like him a lot, he was open to but not assuming and we liked the same music. she commented every time i left the house…she assumed

This was slightly towards when i approached the behavior that would end my ability to live in SD.

I met a girl named Amber…we spent time at raves. Very innocent with her…the clubs, the behavior..maybe some pot. We’d come back to my house and crash, I had a daybed and we’d crash together, usually her on the trundle. We one night came home, put on a record…smoked some seeds…(ha) and feel asleep on the top, no trundle unfurled.

Woke up the next moment to my mother over reacting that Amber was spooning me. So its not OK for Amber the cute club girl to be spooning me but totally fine for the baby sitters daughter to be practicing make out moments on me in her closet? I have memories of Coca-cola obsessions and a teen age daughter forcing me to stroke her boobies and kiss her just the right way.

i now that my mother just wanted to have the perfect person for her to love her just like the most precious being she could be.

to erase the abuse of her mother whoring her out to her man suitors, offering her little sister up to the market as well…with a quickness to end the current session to lessen her sisters abuse.

all are all loving beings.

so. so.

So I meet this boy… from Franklin County VA

And he tells me of hid experiences in life.

carrying pails of water, firewood.

his mother pullimg moring shifts

she bails hay she might rub against a pig





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